31 August 2009

Pan's in the kitchen

Pan eh? Well that was a bit predictable wasn't it....Lyra's daemon in Northern Lights. I can live with that. Our Pan seems determined to be a vegetarian though as he just loves fresh veg off the allotment. Their guts are not designed for this as they are pretty much exclusively carniverous so you have to be a bit careful not to let him overindulge.

He crawled up my trousers last night and out the top; luckily he didn't eat anything on the way through.

29 August 2009

spooky men

The Spooky Men invaded my local on Thursday night en route between gigs. They sang for their guinness (and their beds), and somehow or other we managed to find enough hovels for them to sleep in.

They take the piss out of a lot of sacred cows in such rich, deep and beautiful harmony that I for one will be glad to have them back any day of any month of any year they care to come. Our two were well behaved anyway - they even stroked the ferret.

I would upload a sound file but you can just find them on u tube nay bother sheila. Come again soon guys!

24 August 2009

Clod's Kitchen (help needed)

There is stuff everywhere in the kitchen. You have to shuffle round like an old man: not because you're knackered (which you are), but because between the bread baking and the dried apple rings and the plum jam and pie filling production lines and the jar cleaning and sterilising a) there is a ferret walking about underfoot (and you might squash it if you move your feet suddenly) and b) there is nowhere to put a mug down to make a damn cup of tea.


Plums, peas, apples, tomatoes, beans, courgette and potatoes.

Should be able to concoct something interesting with that lot.

Burnt for Posterity

The clodlet has figured out that digging spuds is hard work but is nontheless proud of his efforts. He even wants sympathy for the war wound. Sheesh! Kids today neh?!

20 August 2009

ripe sunlight

Trays of ripe sunlight sprinkled with salt and dried in the oven. Cover in oil and eat all winter.

19 August 2009


I have 100 billion neurons and 500 trillion synapses and none of them appear to be working today.

I suppose everyone has days like that.

13 August 2009

Wiff in the Willows

Where there are compost bins and chicks and ducklings and good places to tunnel and hide from nasty humans, there you will find rats and plenty of them. There are poisons and traps and curious electronic execution chambers you can buy; you can sit there (as some do), with telescopic sighted air rifles waiting patiently in the dusk to blow their brains out; I suppose you could try blowing a shofa (see previous post) and incanting to your god of choice to see if that works - I guarantee it won't.

If all those fail, get yourself a male polecat or ferret and collect its pooh; shove it down the rat holes or make a solution of it in water and spray it round your poultry boundaries. Problem solved. It will keep away the mink, and the stoat and the weasel; and ratty and mole may prefer to go play with Mr Badger too.

shofa, so good

The 50 or so rabbis on this plane are flying around over Israel chanting prayers and blowing horns called 'shofas'. The purpose of this exercise is to stop the swine flu pandemic spreading in Israel. They call it H1N1 disease there as it would not be kosher to call it swine flu as pigs are just so unclean.

Perhaps they think the sound of the horns will resonate with the protein shell of the virus and scramble its innards. Seems unlikely in a sealed pressurised box travelling at 500mph.

Maybe the prayers will be heard and god will zap the virus over Israel or make them all immune or something. Maybe it's just the only way to get cabin crew to bring an iced tea. Who knows?

Perhaps someone should just tell them all about the germ theory of disease and try to help their poor deluded minds recover from their addiction to bronze age mythology and tell them to develop a vaccine like the rest of us.

11 August 2009


I went to a chikkin auction today and came home with a polecat. Can I get therapy for that sort of behaviour anywhere?

I will train him to sniff out bills of three figures or more and I won't open those.

08 August 2009


....and after a hard days work....the sun sets across the bay. It does that every night round here. ZZzzzz.


The peppers have a lovely....er.....peppery taste. With a bit more maturity they will be sweet....like me.

In the Greenhouse

The aubergine and peppers are tall this year.

As usual, we let the tomatoes run away with us and then had to give them a severe haircut to get the sunlight to the fruit. They are beginning to ripen nicely now. More sunshine please.


The ducklings are all growed up now.

They hoover up duckweed like a dyson on speed.

Mystery Chickin

I think this is probably a Rhode Island Red.

Why don't I know? Well, because one day it wasn't there and the next it was and we had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

None of our neighbours are claiming ownership, no one seems to have lost it, it won't tell us and it seems to want to stay; all we can do is give it a home.

Is it a Rhodey? It looks like one.

07 August 2009

You Do The Maths!!!

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly-tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution and breach of the peace, and is invoiced £12,000 plus VAT by a regulated government contractor for safe disposal costs.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, gives up, signs onto the dole and lives off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and, as his name is on the side of his old lorry, is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers, as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.