28 February 2007

i'm a civil servant - get me out of here!

Tonights shift is just wall to wall loonys tosspots and con-men. I want out.

It feels like this.

tell it like it is clod.mp3 (4mgb)

tomorrow will be better.....won't it?

24 February 2007

No Sferatus Here

We planted some elephant garlic as those flat-capped lancashire nosferatu just laugh at the ordinary stuff. Probably take an elephant to crush it too.
The reason crushing garlic is a good idea is because it breaks open the cell membranes allowing the enzyme allinase to start making those lovely anti-clotting compounds allicin and thiosulphinate. Ideally one should leave it to stand for a bit and then eat the crushed garlic raw. Oh come on! Yep, no kidding, cook it for longer than 6 minutes and the enzymes disappear quicker than a (insert preferred collective noun) of vampires in a sun parlour.

16 February 2007

Meercat Manners

‘Well me lud, at the time the greenhouse was getting totalled I wuz busy looking for scorpions and consequently saw nufink and noone in that order guv, honest to God, would I lie to you?’
Ben must be desperate for some fresh eggs as he’s taken to hand feeding the chooks through the fence now.

All this paint stripping has aged me somewhat but yesterday we abandoned our scrapers and went up to the plot and built a nice big bonfire and cleared out the shed and sowed some leek seeds in trays in the greenhouse.

At home I sowed two trays of tomato seeds but isn’t it funny that always, when this time of year comes round and you’re looking for suitable window sill space, they’re every one of them chokkablok with rubbish. This is what I removed to find space for my trays of toms:-

1 pot full of chalk
1 basket of miscellaneous pens and pencils
7 cassette tapes
1 camera obscura
1 tin of Zigity cards
1 Dr Who sonic screwdriver
1 pod for Thunderbird 2 filled with snooker balls
4 paint brushes
2 pots of (mostly useless) felt tips
1 A4 pad
2 address books
3 jack plugs
3 pads of post-it notes (yellow)
1 pad post-it notes (white)
1 capo
…….and a variety of other bits and pieces. Is anyone else like this? I think it’s in the genes; we’re all as bad as each other. You don’t want to come round our house. I tell you.

14 February 2007

Who's Got The Conch?

I keep saying to myself... 'must sow the tomato seeds and put em on the window sill'.... and nothing seems to happen. Well, not nothing exactly. We decided that before spring sprung properly we would set to and redecorate the hall stairs and landing and so I find myself every spare or not so spare hour stuck on the end of a paint scraper with an overblown hair dryer in the other hand trying to strip this horrible cream gloss off architraves and banisters and skirting boards. Once the scraper has clogged up with a molten glutinous mess of vile smelling paint it seems to set instantly to concrete with the adhesive powers of a limpet. Then there's the wallpaper. I thought I might get lucky but no, underneath the woodchip there's a layer of plasticised mock wood panelling and underneath that there's another layer of mock wood panelling and underneath that there is, or was, some plaster. I do not see this project ending anytime soon so at some point, possibly the next available sunny day, I will have to decamp to the allotment to restore some semblance of sanity.

Must spare a thought for the less fortunate amongst us though. Victoria's major problem seems to be how to find her way from Malibu to Santa Monica. Gosh, don't some people have it rough!

It's sad (but no great surprise) that the UK is way at the bottom of the list in the child well-being stakes. Somehow it seems that Brits have almost abdicated parental responsibility now. We gave up the conch years ago and now the kids won't give it back and they seem to despise us. We, in turn, look on them (youth) with a mix of fear and suspicion and dare hardly say boo to a goose for fear of getting bladed. I know it's more complicated than that but we'd better put some effort in where it counts or it really will be Lord of the Flies territory before we know it.