15 April 2014

ladybird therefore ?

She went along the branch, first this way, then that, like a novelist wondering where her story should go next. I watched her for a long time in the bright sun.

When you watch the natural world it's better to switch off your mind so it doesn't interfere with the experiencing of it too much.  That way you can really observe what is going on.  I don't think I would have made a good naturalist though: too impatient.

If law isn't based on evidence and fact and able to eliminate bias and preconceptions, it's not fit for purpose, is it?  It ought to be good enough to negate tricks like defendants spinning a situation to make them seem like a victim of everything and anything except his or her own self determined actions and choices.  Sadly, we are all prone to bias in our perceptions: only human it is.  I was thinking of the Pastorius trial and why the hell is it on our tv news every night?  Isn't it a little bit odd?  How does media/internet coverage influence the jury?  Does it?  Are they sheltered from it somehow?

14 April 2014

barrel blue

As well as the blue sky I put the blue barrel on stilts and put a tap and a hosepipe on it.  You can't do that with the sky.

Why would I do that?  Well, the allotment rooolz say I am not allowed to water the greenhouse with a hosepipe because it is against the rooolz and probably because we haven't had nearly enough rain this winter, and rooolz is rooolz, or something.  But I am allowed to fill the barrel with a hospipe.  So I put the barrel on stilts and attached a hosepipe and now I can fill the barrel with a hosepipe while simultaneously watering the greenhouse with a hosepipe that comes out the bottom of the barrel.  Cunning, neh?  One only needs to do this when we have a longish dry spell and when the hell does that ever happen round here?

I haven't found a flaw in this plan yet but I expect the committee will when they watch me put this deviousness into action.  I don't have a plan B.  It's good that rain doesn't come from the sky in hosepipes isn't it?  That would look awful.

blue sky

Had a lot to say about
The blue sky this morning.
Now I have nothing to say about it.
Anything I had to say about the blue sky
Became unimportant
The moment
That lovely bird
Soared across it.

13 April 2014


 Finished the broody parlour door and dug over the ground and splashed some grass seed down which hopefully will have come up by the time the chiks are ready to start exploring the world.

Where does this leg go exactly?

 beautiful irridescence in the plumage of these East Indian Black ducks...

Is there a word for a group of ducks?  If there isn't I think it should be a flotilla of ducks.

job done

12 April 2014


Nrly finished the broody parlour but ran out of wire staples on the last lap.  Only the door to do now and let the chikkins dig the soil over before I sow some grass seed. Then it will be mega cosy for the chiks when they hatch out.  Had to put another layer of wire on the inside at the bottom of the run because the chicks that will hatch in 3 weeks time are going to be tiny tiny things and could probably have easily got through the mesh on the first layer.

At home mamma blackbird whizzed by my head at 100mph and landed on the wall.  Then she took a tricky route back to her nest in the ivy covering the outhouse.  She never takes the same route twice because she is a very clever mamma. She will have clever chiks.

battery pack

Look...if I'd wanted battery hens I'd've got battery hens....You lot are free to roam around free ranging for worms and bugs and scratting up my grass in the orchard and rootling about in the greenhouse having dust baths and whatnot.  Besides which, you have four nesting boxes to go at so you can have one EACH, all to your own, in comfort.....with room service. 

For heavens sake, if someone sees you like that...they'll report me to the orthoritees for overcrowding.  

Also, there is no need for the wind to be quite so chill today....no need at all.

PS - I think they're plotting.....


The Managing Director
Capital Resolve Ltd
Fountain Court
Vale Park
WR11 1LS

11 April 2014

Dear Sir/Madam

           Re: "We've arranged for a Debt Recovery Officer to call at your property on 18th April 2014 between 10am and 8pm, reference 016668."

Capital show!  Go get her!  

You must be the fourth or fifth debt collection agency using my personal contact details to try to recover money from Anne Machin.  

Mrs Root reckons she's probably one of these lefty, pinko, communist types fallen foul of the bedroom tax, or possible a research assistant for that Culture Secretary playing fast and loose with a parliamentary credit card, thinking it's 0% finance the entire length of Bond street.

Seriously though, we have had quite enough of being pursued for Ms Machin's debt.

 Accordingly, we are sending you a bill for £50 to compensate for all the harassment, stress and time wasted dealing with this matter.   If you have trouble paying the bill, don't worry, we're here to help, and I am sure we will be able to arrange an affordable payment plan for you.  If the bill is not payed in full within six months however, we will be placing the matter in the hands of some trawler men we know.

You'd better send your goons in packs of six and in full body armor on the 18th.  Mrs Root makes Lara Croft look like Miss Tiggywinkle when she's wielding a pair of fish hooks.  We're still coming across filleted bits of bondsmen from last years lot.

Details of all texts and phone calls and any further communications received from you regarding Anne Machin's debt will be forwarded to the Information Commissioner and to Companies House.

By the way, will your boys arrive in time for breakfast on the 18th, and do they all like their kippers smoked?

Look forward to meeting you on the 18th.

Yours Indebtedly

Henry & Mrs Root
(Purveyors of Wet Fish and 'Advice' to the Debt Collection Industry)

PS- Morrisons still owe us for 2 tons of smoked haddock.  Are you interested?

11 April 2014

hoods for goods

Capital Resolve Ltd is about the fifth debt collection company using my personal mobile number to try to extract money out of someone called Anne Machin.  The latest text missive (they come quite often) reads "We've arranged for a Debt Recovery Officer to call at your property on 18th April 2014 between 10am and 8pm, reference 016668."

It is getting tiresome.  The last company to try this on was Westcott Debt Collection Agency.  I went half clod on their ass till I extracted a grovelling apolology from their customer relations manager.

 I am sorly tempted to go full clod on this lots ass: never a pretty sight....but it can be quite amusing.  Dunno....vote now!

The downside of this sort of stuff is it makes me want a fag. Shut up.

parlour games

In which we build a broody parlour for this seasons chiks.

Couple good reasons for this: it keeps the broody hens from being hassled by the others in the main cabin.  Also provides a safer space for the chiks to start out in when they hatch out. 

10 April 2014

no control group!

In which Clodlet investigates the musical preferences of chikkins and ducks.  Clearly, they are disturbed by classical piano.  Tomorrow we will try opera and country and western and on saturday, reggae and dub step.  We do not have a control group.

08 April 2014

use it


"I will take my life into my hands and I will use it"

Good move.