The Purple Torpedo

Reading about the arrival of The Blue Kitten has made me go all broody.

Ridiculous I know but it brought back so many memories of that oh so little, vulnerable, wriggley, squirmy thing of all soft newness that would snuggle into my chest and go to sleep for hours on end.

The pre-match report went something like this:

Early Thur Eve (due day Friday)

SWMBO - No, I'll be fine, off you go and play the ceilidh booking.
Clod - OK *packs guitar and amp into car* You sure?
SWMBO - Yeah
Fri 1am
Clod - *unpacks guitar and amp from car*
SWMBO - Ow ow Owwwwwww OOO Ow Ow - I'm going to have this baby TONIGHT!
Clod - Er.....
SWMBO - double Owwww Oh OO ow.
Clod - Er..........*NCT (national childbirth trust) training kicks in* *rings maternity unit (MU)*
MU - You'd better come in.
1-3am
Nervous pacing up and down corridor. Manly holding of hands and patting on back type encouragement ala NCT training. Clearing away of vomit bags etc etc
3am
SWMBO - *climbs into birthing pool* *avidly sucks gas and air* La la lar le la lee la lee lar lar.....
Midwife - *takes away gas and air* I think that's quite enough of THAT...
SWMBO - Give that back NOW!!! La Lee la lee Lar Lar - Owwwwww ow ow ow ow ow ow owwwwwwww La la la lee le lee la Owww Owwwwwwwwwwwww
5am
Midwide - I think we'd better have you out of there if the next few pushes don't do it.
SWMBO - *grits teeth* *grips clods arm (still have the bruises) and the side of the birthing pool* *pushes like hell*
5.25am
SWMBO - FIRE ONE!!!!
Ben - Whooshes into the birthing pool like a purple torpedo aiming for the Bismark. (he still lives life like this)
Midwife - Makes grab for torpedo and just manages to catch it before head detonates into side of birthing pool thus flooding out all of the delivery suit.
Clod - Nice one!
Midwife - *goes to cut umbilical*
Clod - Er....can I do that?
Midwife *hands scissors over with deeply skeptical and surprised expression* Oh...allright then.
Clod - *snip*
SWMBO - Ooooh, that were well ard!
Clod - So were you chuck, well done!

Technical Support

This is where your calls go when you need technical support!

Seriously Cool Kit

I'll say goodbye now just in case when they switch this thing on in the morning a hungry black hole is generated and we all disappear up the backside of Switzerland before we've had our first cup of coffee. Not how I would want it all to end I must say and I think the chances are vanishingly improbable; but just in case, I love you all to bits.

If it doesn't, I hope they find a Higgs boson and lots of other dimensions where lots of gardeners tend lots of allotments all over the multiverse.

It is seriously cool though, running at −271.25 °C normal operating temperature; just a tad lower than yer average English summers day.

Dermatophagoides pteronyssinus

Ben tested positive at the allergy clinic to the house dust mite which is why we spent a good part of the day stripping and damp dusting his room and removing all the books, curtains, carpet, shelves etc etc. Tomorrow some very very nice men will arrive and lay a laminate floor. We will clean out and damp dust all the drawers and the wardrobe and the computer. Every week we will put his bed linen and clothes in the freezer for 24hrs before putting them through a very hot wash. We will have to buy allergenic mattress covers, an air purifier and a vacuum cleaner that actually filters and retains all the crap instead of just blasting it back out of the bag into the air. We will keep his room at -10C summer and winter and play Sibelius at 120db. Now I am just getting silly. SWMBO and I are not the most houseproud people in the world preferring to spend time up at the allotment rather than pratt about dusting stuff. It's an increasing problem though isn't it with more and more children developing this and other sorts of allergies at rates of knots. Why why why? It is very depressing. A single square yard of carpet can contain up to 100,000 mites and I won't even mention how many your mattress can hold. I am going to twat each and every one with my mitey hammer I am. *sigh*

bathtime

Our girls do not quite grasp the greenhouse concept, they see it as a nice warm sheltered spot where heavenly dust baths are to be had between the cape gooseberries and the tomatoes. To be fair, in this weather where else will they find soil dry enough? I have indulged them, big softie that I am.

Duck Cuddling Season

The duck cuddling season gets under way up at Clodhoppers.


Behind Matty is the new shed I've built for them in which they cuddle up at night with the eight Sussex Whites; all very cozy. The whole point of building Chikkin Knox is to prevent the devastation of finding all our birds ripped to shreds by Mr Fox (who seems to be still around). It is mostly finished but I think there are a few weak points where a very determined fox may be able to find it's way in. With weather like this though, it's very difficult to finish the job; in fact, it's very difficult to do anything: the place is a quagmire. If todays forecast is right, by the end of the weekend the whole plot will be a river of mud. We gardeners are not happy bunnys right now!

Amande's Bed with BOF Alert

I was quite flattered to be asked to
join the mens book club and saw it as
a chance to escape for an evening from
the pit of domesticity in which I seem
to languish overlymuch. This is
entirely my own fault, I hasten to
add, and is cogently explained in
several chapters of learned tomes of
post-natal male psychology. To cut to
the chase, I have become a mature,
intellectually complex, elder
statesman Boring Old Fart.

Oh well, we can't be young forever I
suppose though the list of things I
miss about being young seems to get
longer by the day. The lithe,
muscular torso with six pack (in the
fridge); the wiry ectomorphic energy;
the ability to stay up all night
playing music and still function the
next day. I don't need to go on; or
rather, I do need to go on but it just
gets more difficult as time goes by.
C'est la vie. Anyway, as it turns
out, both nights the group has chosen
to meet up so far have been on nights
when I have been on shift and can't
go. You see, life conspires against
one does it not? The next meet too is
on a night when I am at work and so I
will miss the pleasures of a
testosterone fuelled - preferably even
wine fuelled - deconstruction of John
Aberdein's first novel "Amande's Bed".

On the other side of the coin, it may
be safer to be at work rather than be
exposed as an intellectual lightweight
with the critical abilities of a
nematode. That's just my inferiority
complex showing though - reference
several other chapters of above
mentioned psychological manuals.


Maybe I should just attempt a written review to help bolster my flagging confidence?

Chikkin Knox

This is one of the East Indian Black ducks. They are extremely shy and wouldn't say boo to a goose. They live inside Chikkin Knox at the moment where I have built them a nice cozy warm shed which they completely ignore, preferring to stay in the corner hiding under a pallet, and out in the main bit I have made them a pond to frolic about in but they are too shy to explore it yet.

This is Chikkin Knox. We have built it to protect our girls from the nightly predations of Mr Fox. Unfortunately it also appears to be Chikkin proof......der.

Summer Fugit

Blimey! Is it that long? Very little time for blogging as every minute, like every day, is getting shorter and shorter. We have been busy building Chicken Knox which is a fox proof (we hope) run for the tribe which has now increased to 13 hens with the addition of 8 Sussex Whites and 2 beautiful East Indian Black ducks - the most beautiful ducks in the world.

I don't think much of August though: so this one post is all it's getting.

Delicio!

Now guess who grabbed the first tomato of the year. He did though divide it into three more or less equal portions each of which was declared delicio! Yipee!

Davros

Science fiction is just so fantastic. All you have to do is reverse the polarity of the flow of something or other (in a monolithic crystal matrix of course) and BAM! They, (the baddies), are all toast or scrap metal or whatever it is they're made off - scrap anyway. Go Doctor!

I had severe doubts about Ms Tate as the Doctors sidekick. Seemed a strange idea to use someone who was so well known in another genre and (forgive me) someone so mature as well. I warmed to her though.

Davros is just a memory now - cheers, you old Greek Island you.

recovered meat

I'm at work and i've just eaten a meal of recovered meat. I don't think it had recovered properly though. Now i feel ill :-((

Big Brother House

No, not the one full of self-serving air heads and der brains. You will have to pay me a LOT of money to watch a single episode of that!

I suppose we all sign up to the idea of wanting to enable the elderly, disabled, sick or vulnerable people in our communities to live as full and as independent lives in their own homes for as long as this is possible. A part of what I do involves helping make this a reality.

More and more of the solutions being developed involve a technological 'fix' to the obstacles encountered.

For example. These are the things we can now monitor and respond to remotely about a person in their own home using what are called 'Telecare' solutions.

You can have:

Bed/Chair Sensor - provides an early warning by alerting that the user has left their bed or chair and not returned within a preset time period.
Enuresis Sensor - Placed between the mattress and sheet, this sensor provides immediate warning on detection of moisture.
Epilepsy Sensor - monitors the user's vital signs to detect a range of epileptic seizures.
Fall Detector - Detects falls
Medication Dispenser - Detects if you've had your pills.
Movement Detector: for example, to check if a person has got out of bed or visited the kitchen.

Pressure Mat - Monitors movement in a specific area, for example to monitor if someone has got of bed or left the house.
Property Exit Sensor - monitors for people leaving a building at unusual times of day or night. Carbon Monoxide Detector - Warns of dangerous CO levels.
Flood Detector - does what it sais on the tin
Gas Shut Off Valve - When combined with the natural gas detector, this cuts off the gas supply to an appliance when a leak is detected.
Natural Gas Detector - Provides an early warning of dangerous levels of gas. Can be linked to the Gas Shut Off Valve to cut the gas supply off.
Smoke Detector - does what it sais on the tin
Temperature Extremes Sensor - Monitors for low and high temperature extremes.

In addition to this various medical sensors can monitor Heart rate, blood pressure, peak flow, oxygen saturation, ECG, temperature, prothrombin time, blood glucose levels........

You know what, call me a simpleton....but how about a sensor that says they've had a caring cuddle or a nice cup of tea and a chat with someone who loves them?

question

What makes lettuce leaves taste bitter more or less as soon as they go to seed?

that'shallot

Things have taken a bit of a battering in the wind and the rain. The shallots are just falling out the ground because of the earlier dry spell.

some you win, some you lose.

midsummer.....hah!

We've probably planted too many courgette plants this year. This one is trying to take over the greenhouse.

Ben at work....



and at play.......he is trying to take over the New Rope String Band. Probably will.

'...what do you mean Davros is back! Impossible....call the Doctor'!

How The Fox Got A Bushy Tail

..........Or

Why The Fox Eats Only One Then Kills Everything Else In Sight.....

(pencil illustrations by Ben)

Surprised, Oh Best Beloved? I should say so! Me too. I have returned, but briefly, to tell you the story of how this came about.

Well, hear and attend and listen then, for this also befell and became and behappened and was. It's just that I forgot to tell you at the time.

Do you remember, Oh Best Beloved, the wild horse stamping with his wild hoof in the wild world saying, 'Oh my friends and Oh my enemies, why have the Man and the Woman made that great light in that great cave, and what harm will it do us'?

Those of you that had a proper childhood will remember this. The Dog thought it was good and was particularly attracted to the smell of roast mutton and offered to go and look and even asked The Cat to accompany him. The Cat, having more wiles than The Dog had the good sense to say: 'Nenni, I will not come. I Am The Cat Who Walks By Himself And All Places Are Alike To Me.'

All in turn and in good order, and despite Cat's misgivings, The Dog and The Horse and The Cow and The Sheep and The Pig and The Hen all gave of their wildness to The Man and The Woman in return for shelter from the bitter winds or a place by the fire and some scraps from the table or a nosegay of hay or some fresh pasture. And so it went.

Until one bitterly cold winter in the wet windy wildness when The Fox, hungry and cold, came to the door of the Cave.

'Go away', said The Woman.

'I am hungry and cold', retorted The Fox, 'can I not in turn make a deal with you as have The Dog and The Horse and The Cat?'

'What have you to offer?' asked The Woman doubtfully.

Fox scanned the comfy looking cave with his wishful wiley eyes. He saw the warming fire and the sheepskin rugs spread before it; he saw the salted hams hanging to dry from the ceiling and licked his lips; he saw a rack of big brown eggs on a rock ledge; he saw the baby teasing The Cat with a ball of wool and laughing delightedly; he saw an IKEA flat pack lying unopened on the cave floor.

'Hmmm.' mused The Fox. 'Maybe I could help you put that together?'

'Oh really!' Exclaimed the women. 'Using your tail as an Allen key I suppose?’

'Well, what do the others do then?' queried The Fox, shaking the icicles from his fur.

'Horse and Dog help The Man hunt; Hen lays the fine fresh eggs; Sheep gives us the curly wurly wool to clothe us from the wet windy wildness and keep us warm at night; Cow gives us the wonderful white milk to grow the baby and make Wensleydale; Cat makes the baby laugh but he is allowed to Walk by Himself.'

‘As I said to The Cat,’ continued The Woman, ‘go back to the wet wild woods for we have no more need of friends or servants in our cave.’

‘I am neither friend nor servant,’ said The Fox, becoming angry. ‘How are you off for enemies?’

‘Are you threatening me?’ Asked The Woman with a glint in her eye.

‘I was told you were wise and beautiful,’ said The Fox, ‘beautiful you most certainly are but I am not so sure about the wise bit.’ ‘At least you could let me have a bash at assembling that flat pack.’

‘Go on then,’ replied The Woman, taking her magic blade bone from a shelf. ‘I hate putting those things together.’ ‘If you succeed you may sit with The Cat by the fire drinking the warm white milk, if you fail, you must return to the wet wild wood forever.’

Do you see, Oh Best Beloved? It was hardly fair. The Fox tore the box to bits but then the diagrams were really complicated and the retaining bolts would not line up properly and some of the holes were in the wrong place and indeed, handling an Allen key with teeth or tail is Just So.

After a time The Fox admitted defeat and The Woman held the magic blade bone and made the singing magic once more to return The Fox to the wet wild windy woods forever and ever.

The Fox became extremely angry at this and, because he was still hungry, snatched the Fat Hen between his teeth on the way out. The Woman saw this and, dropping the magic blade bone, she flung herself forward and grabbed onto The Fox’s tail as hard as she very could. The Fox pulled and pulled, Oh Best Beloved, as best he could and The Woman held on tight as tight as best she could and to this day, you will see that the tail of The Fox is all bushy at one end and this is because The Woman held on so very tight while The Fox pulled his hardest.

At length, The Woman was obliged to let go and the bushy tailed Fox ran swiftly towards the wet wild wood.

‘We are enemies forever!’ Shouted The Woman after The Fox. ‘Forevermore will Man and Sons of Man and Dog and Sons of Dog and Horse and Sons of Horse hunt you down and chase you until an unspeakable death shall befall Fox and Sons of Fox…..at least up until the Labour Government’s Hunting Act of 2004….a long way off mind you.’

Fox stopped by the edge of the wet wild windy wood and dropping The Hen for a moment, screamed back. ‘So be it, henceforth shall Fox and Son of Fox kill not just the one to sate our hunger, but ALL that we are able to kill that live in the light of your cave…...and the Hunting Act of 2004 won’t make one jot of difference….hah…..ner ner ne ner ner!’

And thus it was and so it has been ever since Oh Best Beloved. Do you see?

Before I go though Oh Best Beloved, I must tell you that it is really no inconvenience whatsoever being dead. Honestly, you hardly notice it. You should not fear it so.....really!

Mouldily Yours

Rudyard

(Ben: This is a picture of the cave and the animals in the story. Inside the cave you will see baskets with eggs in. Above that there is the woman shouting at the fox with the dead hen by his feet. The ham is dangling from a long pole above the fire - the problem is, the woman couldn't find long enough sticks with Y shaped ends, so the ham is dangling too low on the fire.

The flying chicken is about to try to roost on the bar hanging across. You will see the dog chasing the cat over the river and knocking over the poor cow who is trying to graze.

Next to the cave is a small patch of plants the woman has planted. The bumpy bits round the cave are rocks.)

Enough!

Aw...enough already! Mr Fox ripped through a neighbours shed and slaughtered another 12 hens last night.

I'm warning you, it'll only take one phone call to George. He has a special way with terrorists you know.

I have been pissing for England round the boundaries as Mr Fox is put off by the smell of male urine. I know how he feels.

Edit: A survey of the plots reveals the scoreline is more like:

Mr Fox: 200 Humans/Ducks/Geese/Hens 0

Causley & Effect

Green man in the garden
Staring from the tree,
Why do you look so long and hard
Through the pane at me?

Your eyes are dark as holly
Of sycamore your thorns,
Your bones are made of elder branch,
Your teeth are made of thorns.

Your hat is made of ivy-leaf
Of bark your dancing shoes,
And evergreen and green and green
Your jacket and shirt and trews.

Leave your house and leave your land and throw away the key,
And never look behind, he creaked
And come and live with me.

I bolted up the window, I bolted up the door,
I drew the blind that I should find the green man never more.
But when I softly turned the stair
As I went up to bed,
I saw the green man standing there.
'Sleep well, my friend,' he said.

(GREEN MAN IN THE GARDEN by Charles Causley)

Cluckalot

At the back of the chicken shack is Ben's Den where the Knights of The Round Carpet meet.

Getting a knighthood is a mysterious process that no adult has a hope in hell of understanding.

This boy however met all the criteria and is duly receiving the honour which involves being doffed across each shoulder by a chicken.






After this follows a nightly session of knightly or boyly armed and unarmed combat in full armour (if you have it). The sessions teach honour; valour; courage; axmanship; and the relative frailty of human skin and bone.

The Den Rules are prominently displayed so there's no excuse is there?

Den Rules

1. Flapping Chickens:
Let Go of flapping chickens

2. Help Out:
Always help out round the den

3. Gates:
Close gates after entry or departure

4. Equipment Return:
Return all equipment to proper place after use

5. Discrimination:
No Sexism or Racism

6. Do As You Would Be Done By:
Treat others the way you would want them to treat you