19 September 2008

The Purple Torpedo

Reading about the arrival of The Blue Kitten has made me go all broody.

Ridiculous I know but it brought back so many memories of that oh so little, vulnerable, wriggley, squirmy thing of all soft newness that would snuggle into my chest and go to sleep for hours on end.

The pre-match report went something like this:

Early Thur Eve (due day Friday)

SWMBO - No, I'll be fine, off you go and play the ceilidh booking.
Clod - OK *packs guitar and amp into car* You sure?
SWMBO - Yeah
Fri 1am
Clod - *unpacks guitar and amp from car*
SWMBO - Ow ow Owwwwwww OOO Ow Ow - I'm going to have this baby TONIGHT!
Clod - Er.....
SWMBO - double Owwww Oh OO ow.
Clod - Er..........*NCT (national childbirth trust) training kicks in* *rings maternity unit (MU)*
MU - You'd better come in.
Nervous pacing up and down corridor. Manly holding of hands and patting on back type encouragement ala NCT training. Clearing away of vomit bags etc etc
SWMBO - *climbs into birthing pool* *avidly sucks gas and air* La la lar le la lee la lee lar lar.....
Midwife - *takes away gas and air* I think that's quite enough of THAT...
SWMBO - Give that back NOW!!! La Lee la lee Lar Lar - Owwwwww ow ow ow ow ow ow owwwwwwww La la la lee le lee la Owww Owwwwwwwwwwwww
Midwide - I think we'd better have you out of there if the next few pushes don't do it.
SWMBO - *grits teeth* *grips clods arm (still have the bruises) and the side of the birthing pool* *pushes like hell*
Ben - Whooshes into the birthing pool like a purple torpedo aiming for the Bismark. (he still lives life like this)
Midwife - Makes grab for torpedo and just manages to catch it before head detonates into side of birthing pool thus flooding out all of the delivery suit.
Clod - Nice one!
Midwife - *goes to cut umbilical*
Clod - Er....can I do that?
Midwife *hands scissors over with deeply skeptical and surprised expression* Oh...allright then.
Clod - *snip*
SWMBO - Ooooh, that were well ard!
Clod - So were you chuck, well done!

10 September 2008

09 September 2008

Seriously Cool Kit

I'll say goodbye now just in case when they switch this thing on in the morning a hungry black hole is generated and we all disappear up the backside of Switzerland before we've had our first cup of coffee. Not how I would want it all to end I must say and I think the chances are vanishingly improbable; but just in case, I love you all to bits.

If it doesn't, I hope they find a Higgs boson and lots of other dimensions where lots of gardeners tend lots of allotments all over the multiverse.

It is seriously cool though, running at −271.25 °C normal operating temperature; just a tad lower than yer average English summers day.

08 September 2008

Dermatophagoides pteronyssinus

Ben tested positive at the allergy clinic to the house dust mite which is why we spent a good part of the day stripping and damp dusting his room and removing all the books, curtains, carpet, shelves etc etc. Tomorrow some very very nice men will arrive and lay a laminate floor. We will clean out and damp dust all the drawers and the wardrobe and the computer. Every week we will put his bed linen and clothes in the freezer for 24hrs before putting them through a very hot wash. We will have to buy allergenic mattress covers, an air purifier and a vacuum cleaner that actually filters and retains all the crap instead of just blasting it back out of the bag into the air. We will keep his room at -10C summer and winter and play Sibelius at 120db. Now I am just getting silly. SWMBO and I are not the most houseproud people in the world preferring to spend time up at the allotment rather than pratt about dusting stuff. It's an increasing problem though isn't it with more and more children developing this and other sorts of allergies at rates of knots. Why why why? It is very depressing. A single square yard of carpet can contain up to 100,000 mites and I won't even mention how many your mattress can hold. I am going to twat each and every one with my mitey hammer I am. *sigh*

07 September 2008


Our girls do not quite grasp the greenhouse concept, they see it as a nice warm sheltered spot where heavenly dust baths are to be had between the cape gooseberries and the tomatoes. To be fair, in this weather where else will they find soil dry enough? I have indulged them, big softie that I am.

05 September 2008

Duck Cuddling Season

The duck cuddling season gets under way up at Clodhoppers.

Behind Matty is the new shed I've built for them in which they cuddle up at night with the eight Sussex Whites; all very cozy. The whole point of building Chikkin Knox is to prevent the devastation of finding all our birds ripped to shreds by Mr Fox (who seems to be still around). It is mostly finished but I think there are a few weak points where a very determined fox may be able to find it's way in. With weather like this though, it's very difficult to finish the job; in fact, it's very difficult to do anything: the place is a quagmire. If todays forecast is right, by the end of the weekend the whole plot will be a river of mud. We gardeners are not happy bunnys right now!

03 September 2008

Amande's Bed with BOF Alert

I was quite flattered to be asked to
join the mens book club and saw it as
a chance to escape for an evening from
the pit of domesticity in which I seem
to languish overlymuch. This is
entirely my own fault, I hasten to
add, and is cogently explained in
several chapters of learned tomes of
post-natal male psychology. To cut to
the chase, I have become a mature,
intellectually complex, elder
Boring Old Fart.

Oh well, we can't be young forever I
suppose though the list of things I
miss about being young seems to get
longer by the day. The lithe,
muscular torso with six pack (in the
fridge); the wiry ectomorphic energy;
the ability to stay up all night
playing music and still function the
next day. I don't need to go on; or
rather, I do need to go on but it just
gets more difficult as time goes by.
C'est la vie. Anyway, as it turns
out, both nights the group has chosen
to meet up so far have been on nights
when I have been on shift and can't
go. You see, life conspires against
one does it not? The next meet too is
on a night when I am at work and so I
will miss the pleasures of a
testosterone fuelled - preferably even
wine fuelled - deconstruction of John
Aberdein's first novel "Amande's Bed".

On the other side of the coin, it may
be safer to be at work rather than be
exposed as an intellectual lightweight
with the critical abilities of a
nematode. That's just my inferiority
complex showing though - reference
several other chapters of above
mentioned psychological manuals.

Maybe I should just attempt a written review to help bolster my flagging confidence?

02 September 2008

Chikkin Knox

This is one of the East Indian Black ducks. They are extremely shy and wouldn't say boo to a goose. They live inside Chikkin Knox at the moment where I have built them a nice cozy warm shed which they completely ignore, preferring to stay in the corner hiding under a pallet, and out in the main bit I have made them a pond to frolic about in but they are too shy to explore it yet.

This is Chikkin Knox. We have built it to protect our girls from the nightly predations of Mr Fox. Unfortunately it also appears to be Chikkin proof......der.