30 September 2011

Fish Enrichment Technology

Dear President Ahmedinnajacket. –


Me and Mrs Root note that Iran will execute Yousef Nadarkhani shortly. Quite right too: you can’t just have people believing what they want to believe and let them get away with it, can you? Where would we be then? It would be chaotic. Much better to tell people what they have to believe and kill them if they don’t..

Mrs Root notes that Iran has already executed 97 people this September and sais they are only the ones she knows about: “goodness knows how many others there are,” she said, gutting another sturgeon at the wet fish counter… “the reporting systems are not quite what they should be.”

She later added that it would be quite good if we were allowed to kill everyone that eat meat, as we would sell far more wet fish that way.

I don’t think it’s altogether that simple though do you? I mean, if say the christians also executed people for believing the wrong thing, (alas, they stopped it a while back), then, say if Mr Yousef recanted his christianity in Iran and sought asylum in Britain, well then, we would kill him too for deciding not to believe his christianity anymore.

Well, you can see where this is going: a lot of people might just conclude that belief itself was just too dangerous and drop them altogether, and start to rely on what we actually know to be true instead.

Heaven knows where we’d end up then!!

All the best.

Henry Root
(Bespoke Suppliers of Wet Fish Enrichment Technology to the Worlds Elite)

PS - Mrs Root sends her love and asks will you send a few more male escorts over as she’s done the last lot.

Encl: A pound for wear n tear on the ropes.

28 September 2011

aloha u akbar

Way to go King Abduller!

Allowing women to drive indeed!…Whatever will they want next? Give em an inch eh? I never allow Mrs Root out without a male escort ….she complains a bit now and again but buckles up in the end.

Mind you, you should have seen the last male escort!

Quite right to give the misguided wench 10 good lashes – but watch they don’t pad out the burqa with a life vest or some wet fish: they can be a bit crafty like that you know?

Mrs Root, (cod be upon her), thinks it might have been a big mistake to allow them to vote too: at the moment they’re only worth half a man but, mark my words, they’ll vote to be worth as much as a man, if not more than a man, at the very first opportunity.

Don’t worry though, they’ll calm down in a bit and see sense when you’ve made an example of the first few uppity females and published the photos of their bleeding backs in the Riyadh Observer.

If it’s any consolation, the pope has the same problem. Some of them think they’re even entitled to be priests just on the grounds of being human. Imagine that?!?

Enclosed a pound for your court expenses.

Aloha u bugber (Cod is Great)

In solidarity

Henry Root (and half the Mrs)

(Purveyors of Wet Fish, some condoms and the odd bit of porn)

PS – We can supply wet fish at cost: they're very effective for a good flogging.

07 September 2011

The Root of Cloyne

Hey Jo

Never you mind that Enda Kenny Taoiseach fella. He’s an eejit, so he is. You're bound to get one or two bad apples in every barrel. Ah beejayzus, tis just bad luck that you’ve got thousands of them, is what it is.

Mrs Root thinks it’s probably all Obama’s fault since he visited Ireland.

It’ll probably be a good idea if you put a stop to your fellas buggering and torturing children for a bit till things settle down again. Take the long view, that’s the ticket!

If you’re reluctant to get rid of them we’d be happy to supply you with ice-filled cod pieces for the friskier priests to wear. Mrs Root thinks that’ll be more effective than giving them three hail mary’s, a how’s yer father and moving them to a new parish. No need to be bothering the Garde with it eh? Red tape: all that nonsense?

If Enda won’t toe the line stick some canon law up his backside on a short fuse. Remember the good ‘ol days Jo?

It’ll all blow over soon sais Mrs Root, (she’s at the wet fish counter – bless). One or two excommunicerations will see the end of all this nonsense.

Enclosed a pound for your legal fees.

Chin up Jo.

It’s not like you actually employ the buggers, is it?

Your affectionately

Henry Root